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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that counseling might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or being seen, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.